I don’t like my heart right now.
It’s unrealistic. It always find the ones who can’t love it back and clings to them. It always builds hopes and dreams for people who don’t want to even be part of my future. It always finds excuses for them to make them stay in it, to make them linger, to make them a huge part of it until they break it.
It’s stubborn. It still thinks about those who are not thinking about it. It still wonders if they will ever come back. It still believes that all the connections and sparks were real. It still secretly defends them, it still secretly roots for them because it sees their potential. It sees what was once inside. It’s stubborn because it still doesn’t want to admit that it was broken beyond repair because of its own expectations.
It’s confused. It’s trying to be stronger but it keeps letting all the wrong ones in and it keeps trusting them too fast. It’s trying to be wiser but it always ends up foolishly falling too hard as soon as someone touches it. It’s trying to walk away when it’s unwanted but then it goes right back to danger and parks there.
It’s tired. It’s tired of heartbreak. It’s tired of bruises and scratches, it’s tired of temporary homes, it’s tired of short vacations, it’s tired of ending things and losing people. It’s just tired. It needs a home. It needs life. It needs security.
It’s old. Or at least, it feels old. It feels like it’s gone through enough heartaches for a lifetime. It carries a lot of stories and wounds like it was born thousands of years ago. It carries the pain of someone who died and survived. It has seen death before. It feels like it stopped way too many times and what’s left are the remnants of a healthy heart. The remnants of love.
It’s forgetful. It forgets what it needs. It forgets what it deserves. It forgets to be honest even if it hurts. It forgets that it can only evade the truth for so long. It forgets that it can only numb the pain for a little while. It forgets that it requires love and affection to keep beating. It forgets that it should be loved, that it doesn’t have to always remain so broken.
I don’t like my heart right now, but I do know that it’s just a phase. Because my heart is also strong and it bounces back. My heart eventually knows where to end up and who to avoid. My heart may not be the best decision maker right now but it’s learning and even though it led me astray too many times before, I still have faith in it. I’ll still follow it. I don’t like it right now but I still love it.
Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.