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[Theron]

I have a problem.

Those who know me, know and say that I am quite confident. Put me on a stage with a thousand people and give me a subject to talk on, and I can rattle off for hour without a worry in the world.

I can talk. But I can't converse.

if I meet and old friend after a long time, I can talk for hours non stop... But when I go out to a party or any kind of social setting, I just have no idea on what to talk about. It doesnt matter if its my cousin or an Aunt or a really hot chick or an ugly woman. I feel very distant and disconnected from everyone around me.

I willfully distance myself from groups and avoid people on a regular basis. If someone comes to talk to me, I escape, girls come and ask to dance with me and I say "I don't dance". That is a fact. I just cant dance. I feel I am too uptight.

My chiropratcor says I have the tightest back she has ever seen.
I have been trying to learn to float in water from past 10 years. I learnt swimming quite recently, but I just dont seem to be able to float. I have seen people who can't swim, float so easily. In fact I have helped many people float and they all seem to get I can't float!!

My Swimming teacher as well as my Reiki teacher say I am not letting go.. and relaxing... I just don't seem to know what to do... any exercises or rituals to take me out of this prison? anyone?
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[Alastan]

Lots of ways. Firstly, while you may be able to speak publicly with ease, your story pretty much says it all...

Your not confident. You have some proficiencies, but your not confident.

If you were confident, when that chick asked you to dance, you'd be able to go out there and shake your body like you just don't care(because you don't worry about such things, you're confident).

You'd be able to converse easily. Because your confident. What you say has relatively little importance. It just doesn't matter all that much.

When your confident, you don't need outside validation.

There are lots of ways to solve the issues you got amigo. First and foremost, engage in some daily meditation. Cliche though it may be, give it a shot. I mean meditation in the sense of letting go, sinking into yourself, relaxing, not contemplation and focus.

Second. Your going to have to recognize that all those things you listed, you can't do because you CHOOSE not to. What do you mean you can't converse amigo? Its merely communication. You can communicate can't you? Than you can converse. Don't be afraid of not knowing what to say, go with the flow of the conversation(and conversations very much have a flow). Listen, and you will hear it. Speak, and your a part of it. The best way is to learn by doing. Your going to have to put your fears aside, and practice. Listening, and speaking. Speaking and listening.

Your rigidity is a result of being too tense, too uptight, caring too much, being too insecure. You've gotta let it go and just DO THINGS.

I say all this, and these are perfectly valid. The the cinch, the key part is how you think. That will be what makes or breaks these practices for you. All these are the results of how your think amigo. You will not find the peace and capability you desire without radically shifting the way your mind processes. Guaranteed.

[uberseeker]

youtube
David Deangelo's Man Transformation - David Wygant. P1
go to 2 minute 39 secs

[Mr. GreenTea]

OK Theron, I got a question for you: Can you flirt?

The reason I ask is because flirting is the "gateway" to conversation with the opposite sex (and to a less extent, same sex only there it's called "joking around"). Alastan alluded to this (I think), as being a matter of confidence, and he is correct. Speaking in front of an audience is easier in some respects than speaking one-on-one. Speaking one-on-one entails gauging "how you are doing" and reading the other person's responses as well as your own.

It sounds more difficult than it is, until you get the hang of it. It can, or rather will be a matter of confidence until you get the hang of it, meaning you have to step out of your comfort zone in order to practice it (if this is the case).
_________________
Quotes ≠ Knowledge.
Doing brings Knowledge!
Right ≠ number of believers.
Results show Rightness or Wrongness.
Quoting others ≠ being right even if they are!
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[Theron]

It is always helpful to hear something from outside of me.
Although my mind is screaming I am confident, I am open to allow for the fact that it is just my mask of confidence.

Mr. GT, yes I can flirt and I tend to do it a lot but strangely I always flirt only with committed women, like either engaged, or married woman, the ones who will go nowhere apart from flirting. I noticed this recently when I just listed out the names all girls I flirt with.

Most Importantly, I feel this disconnection from people which makes me physically move away from them. I do not seem to form an interest in what is happening around. So I endlessly wander around all day long.
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[Mr. GreenTea]

[Theron]

Mr GT,

I have friends, not a group, but one here and one there, all isolated from each other. Sometimes I get this massive urge to avoid even them.

I have always yearned to be in a group and do stuff together. But somehow it never happens and I don't try too hard. Eve when I become a part of the group, its not for long since I find it hard to follow group mentality.

I am fairly independent and rarely work in teams so even if its a break I am all by myself.

I don't know why I do it. although consciously i want quite the opposite to happen.
_________________
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[Mr. GreenTea]

[Theron]

Thank you Mr GT.
Your words have a level of understand that is soothing and also has given me some direction. I will do the Why inquiry and let you know how I progress.
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[cobain]

I used to be shy as a violet before. That was in Uni. Then I told myself that all these people must be even more scared of me than I was of them.

Eureka. Totally new mindset.

Now every engagement is a field to conquer. With pleasure!
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I choose CHOICE

[Camerlengo]

It's a popular reframe. I agree with that. Even LandMark Forum and Anthony Robbins endorses that mindset

[goonie]

Apply the golden rule. How would you want someone to converse with you? If confidence isn't your issue, just mindfulness, then ask yourself how you would like to be chatted up, and proceed to chat up.

[Mr. GreenTea]

[johnrice]

It's in cases like this- of having sudden conversational dead spaces- that carrying a cheat list of ten conversational topics that involve open questions come in very handily.

Got a PDA or smartphone? Stash a list of conversational materials there. You'll make her carry on the conversation for you.
_________________
J. W. A. Rice, Ph.D
Harvard Business School
Soldiers Field
Boston, MA 02163
http://search.harvard.edu:8765/

[Rayzorblades]