It is not unusual to be afraid of learning more about your relationship and your partner. “What if I discover we are incompatible?” “What if I find out she doesn’t love me?” “What if I find out we are actually separate individuals with separate needs and desires?” Many men and women don’t want to peer too closely at the person they live with. This may be the safe path, but it is also deadly. The nature of relationship, the nature of humans, is to want homeostasis, routine, stale comfort as in, “Let’s make sure everything stays the same forever.” Change is scary, even traumatic, but it is inevitable. Change is the reality of life.

Don’t be surprised if at the beginning of nurturing your relationship, resentments surface. A familiar pattern: you start doing sweet things for each other, and suddenly a few days later you have a fight about how she never initiates sex or he never buys thoughtful gifts. This fight may seem to come out of nowhere, but it hasn’t. When we begin to nurture each other, we touch on unmet needs. An angry voice rises up and says, “This feels good. Why hasn’t he done this for me before?” Or, instead of resentment, our internal voice might say, “This feels too good. I can’t handle it,” and we pick a fight to distance ourselves because we are afraid this good stuff will be cut off.

How do you deal with fear, fights, and resistance to change? Recognize they exist. Discuss your fears about changing and acknowledge your resistance to trying anything new. Too often we start beating ourselves up and throwing ourselves headlong into a project before we have given any attention to our reluctance and fears. Don’t deny your resistance and fear; it won’t go away, it will only get bigger. Instead, make room for it. Write down your resistance and name your fears. Or try designating a chair or box in your house where you store your resistance to exploring new things. Refer to it, or mimic adding to it when you feel the overwhelming need to stay the same or are afraid to try something new. Tune in to your feelings and the voices in your head. Talk about your feelings as they come up. Try to link fears and overwhelming feelings of neediness with self-nurturing activities.

Whatever you do, avoid perfectionism. Perfect translates directly to failure where nurturing is concerned. All change is a give-and-take process, two steps forward, one step back. Words of appreciation and intimate dinners in front of the fireplace instead of the TV might happen for a few days, and then it is back to “Star Trek” and a mumbled “How was your day?” Real change takes time, patience, and what feels like an endless number of reminders, both to yourself and your partner. If you accept this at the outset, you will succeed in polishing your relationship to a fresh, healthy luster of passion, respect, and connection.