There’s no class in high school on what steps to take to to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they instruct us the biology of sex, the legality of union, and perhaps read a couple vague love stories from the 19th century on how not to be. !
But when it comes down to really managing the nitty gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in girls’s magazines. !
Yes, it’s trial and error from the get go. And when you’re like most folks, it’s been largely malfunction.
But part of the issue is the fact that many unhealthy relationship customs are baked into our culture. We idolize intimate love — you know, that dizzying and irrational intimate love that somehow locates breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or non-traditional sexualities. Women and men are lifted to objectify each other and to objectify the relationships they’re in. So our partners in many cases are viewed as strengths rather than someone to share reciprocal mental support.
Lots of the self help literature out there’sn’t helpful either (no, women and men aren’t from different planets, you overgeneralizing prick). And for most of us, mother and father really weren’t the finest cases either.
Luckily, there’s been lots of emotional research into healthy and joyful relationships the last few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most folks do not know of or don’t follow. The truth is, several of those principles really go against what’s traditionally considered “amorous” or standard in a connection.
Here are six of the very often encountered inclinations in relationships that lots of couples believe are healthy and regular, but are really poisonous and ruining all you hold dear. Get the tissues prepared.
1. The Relationship Scorecard
What It’s: The “keeping score” happening is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for previous errors you made in the relationship. If both individuals in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a fight to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and so who owes the other one more. !
You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it’s carried on to destroy your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you found her sending flirtatious text messages to her coworker instantly removes her right to get envious, so it’s kind of even, right? !
Incorrect.
Why It’s Hazardous: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both individuals in a relationship use previous wrongdoings to be able to attempt to justify present righteousness. It is a double whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up remorse and resentment from yesteryear to control your partner into feeling incorrect in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy attempting to show that they’re less culpable in relation to the other rather than solving the present issue. Individuals spend all their time attempting to be much less wrong for every single other instead of being more appropriate for each other.
What You Have To Do Instead: Deal with problems separately unless they can be legitimately linked. If a person habitually cheats, then that’s clearly a recurring issue. However, the reality that she obstructed you in 2010 and now she got depressed and dismissed you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, thus don’t bring it up. !
You need to understand that by simply choosing to be with your significant other, you’re choosing to be with all their past activities and behaviours. In the event that you don’t accept those, then finally, you aren’t accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year past, you need to have coped with it a year past.
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